her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
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Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?