Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
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So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own