*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
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*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Chicago sounds lovely.