Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I know
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
i will not be silenced
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.