I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
when u come home smelling like another dog
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.