A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
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Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.