What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
worst…sale…ever
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.