I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
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I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Not all heroes wear capes…
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.