A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
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Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus