You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
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Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
The Sun