this is what they would have looked like, though
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Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
#ProTip
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car