I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
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I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?