Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
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WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion