Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
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If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees