Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
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The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Always…
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me