ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Candles never taste the way they smell
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10