Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-