[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
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Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.