Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
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Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.