Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
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*pronounces patio like ratio
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.