You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Pretty much. 🤣
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯