If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
no!! no!!!!!!
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up