At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Weirdly Wednesday.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.