I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Taking phone security to the next level.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
sistine chapel
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive