customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
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19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.