[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
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The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.