FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Krampus.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I just ran a .003048K
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.