(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
At Walmart during the holidays like..
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!