Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
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“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
hmmm
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.