I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
next question.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.