Before & after 😅
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
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