Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me