I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Smile they said.
I’m being attacked 😭
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
You can’t rush stupid.
mentally somewhere in italy
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.