I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers