Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
You Might Also Like
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
How does one answer this?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
pelicons
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.