Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku