Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
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The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I have never related to anyone more.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
uh oh
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
😂💯
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*