[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
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Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.