Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
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I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.