“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
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Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown