i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Encore…
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.