True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
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Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
ACED my prostate exam!
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.