Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?