The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
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Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
what’s more important?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Meow
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.