My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
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me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
This meal prepping shit easy
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.