[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
This headline is a thing of beauty
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.