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I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Quadruple digit IQ
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me