Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
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It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no