Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
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I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
not to brag, but mine was free
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
As the Lord intended
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
This was my dad’s browser history.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?