Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
that colleague who touches your screen
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
they finally got him. they got macavity
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.